Rule #2: Always Ask for Coke

I know all y’all ladies readin’ this know who Paula Deen is, and you’re probably startin’ to wonder what you’re supposed to be consumin’ as a true southern belle when I haven’t even taught y’all how or what to cook yet. As far as food goes for right now, just go with anything fried or grown in your mama’s garden. We’ll get to all that stuff a little while later.

Y’all are probably thinkin’ that you’re safe with choosin’ any plate from KFC, right? Bless your heart, darlin’. You’re wrong. I’ll tell ya why… It’s ’cause they don’t serve Coke products. Ya see, it’s quite blasphemous to drink any other type of carbonated beverage down here besides a southerner’s favorite drink other than their mama’s sweet tea, which is none other than Coca Cola.

We won’t cover much history in our lessons other than a few topics regardin’ the War Between the States and famous southern football rivalries, but y’all need to know some things about Coke. A pharmacist by the name of Dr. John Pemberton came up with this sweet drink in Atlanta back in the late nineteenth century when the South was gettin’ back on its feet after the War Between the States. About a year later, a gentleman named Asa Candler bought the recipe from Dr. Pemberton and turned Coca Cola into what it is today. And just so ya know, Coke stayed true to its southern roots by keepin’ its headquarters in Atlanta. The South is risin’ again, y’all!

This is why we refer to everything besides tea and wooter as “Coke.” When I’m too rode hard and hung up dry to cook, I go grab somethin’ to eat with my family. Y’all will know you’re in the south when you order a Coke to drink and the precious waitress asks, “What kind, darlin’?” She knows a Coke can also mean Sprite or Diet Coke to a true southern belle. Now Lord forbid you’re at a restaurant and they don’t serve Coke products, so the waitress is gonna say somethin’ along the lines of, “I’m sorry, ma’am, is ______ alright?” If y’all are like me, y’all will be tempted to say, “Ma’am, is monopoly money alight?”, but we have to remember that we keep it classy down in these parts, and we simply respond, “No ma’am, I’ll just have some wooter.”

Needless to say, when y’all are pushin’ your buggies down the Coke aisle (aka, the “soda” aisle) at the Piggly Wiggly, y’all better not be fixin’ to pick up anything besides Coca-Cola products. I swear, y’all will burst into flames.

Alright y’all, it’s hotter than Luke Bryan here in Georgia today, so I’m about to go get me a Coke from the corner store. (And just so y’all know, whenever I say, “Coke,” I always mean Diet Coke.)

Happy sippin’, y’all!


Georgia Peaches by Lauren Alaina

In case y’all are still wonderin’ what this site and southern belles are all about, I’ve decided to let precious Lauren Alaina explain it a little more. Here’s some important points y’all better be fixin’ to take away from this song:

  1. Be as sweet as your mama’s tea.
  2. Wear your short shorts when you’re in the summer heat, but don’t be lookin’ like a hooch, y’all.
  3. Show some of that famous southern hospitality to everyone y’all meet.
  4. If y’all haven’t ever listened to country music, bless your hearts. Start with some Alan Jackson and Jason Aldean. (We’ll learn more about southern hymns later.)
  5. Y’all can’t be afraid of a little dirt. A lot of southern belles grew up on dirt roads.
  6. Y’all can’t be runnin’ late for church, now.
  7. Don’t be cursin’. The only time this is somewhat appropriate is when a Georgia Southern football coach leaves/gets fired, another Georgia player is arrested and kicked off the team, or Tech’s 2009 ACC Championship loss is brought up.
  8. If y’all don’t have a ring on your left hand yet, dance and flirt your little hearts out.
  9. Other than wearin’ short shorts and sippin’ on sweet tea and lemonade, the best way to stay cool in the southern heat is by jumpin’ in the swimmin’ hole.

Rule #1: Always Dress Up for Jesus and Gameday

Down here in Georgia, football ain’t just a sport; it’s more like religion. Y’all wouldn’t paint your face or wear a jersey to church, so y’all can’t be doin’ that for football games either. I don’t care if y’all consider Eagle Creek “holy water,” think Mark Richt is the most handsome man alive, or consider the Ramblin’ Wreck a hot rod. If you go to a football game in the south, you put on the dog. Southern football games have a dress code just like your country club does, but it usually goes unspoken. That bein’ said, here’s a quick-like guide to help y’all out when decidin’ what to wear…

If you got a youngin, those pillowcase dresses paired with a hair bow the size of her right arm will have everyone at your tailgate sayin’, “Bless her little heart! She is just precious!” This is also the perfect age for them to get their ears pierced so they can start wearin’ the famous southern jewelry staple: pearls. They’re too young to remember the pain of gettin’ ’em pierced, and you can teach ’em what classy looks like at a young age.

For the youngin’s who are old enough to know what a first down is (aka, 5 to 10 years old), those replica cheerleading uniforms are just to die for. They aren’t real cheerleaders yet, though, so they’re still allowed to wear their pearl earrings.

When y’all get to the age where you start dressin’ yourselves, I’m fixin’ to give you two words that should be the staples of your wardrobe: sundresses + boots. We all know it’s 80+ degrees ten months out of the year down here, so we have to dress appropriately so we’re glistenin’ instead of sweatin’ while we’re cheerin’ for guys down in the gridiron. Our cowboy boots go with everything from our weddin’ dresses to our tight jeans, and of course they go with our sundresses that color-coordinate with our team’s jerseys. And once you’re old enough to start pourin’ other liquid substances in your mason jar besides sweet tea, pearls will become an absolute necessity.

Now for the people who come second only to Jesus: our mamas. Y’all can never go wrong with a seersucker skirt and blouse. If you’re missin’ those sundresses you used to wear, y’all can still wear ’em, but make sure they at least hit your knees. Your keywords here are “smart casual.” Y’all aren’t cast members on Real Housewives of Orange County. We keep it classy and dress our age down in these parts. And even though you’ve reached the epitome of classy by keepin’ your cool every time your youngin’s have tested your patience in public, you still need to sport those pearls.

Like I said in the beginnin’, football is like religion down here, so that means Jesus is at every game. Before you start eatin’ BBQ at your tailgate, thank the Lord for your blessin’s. When your team runs out on the field, ask Jesus to sit on your sideline, not your opponent’s. If anyone gets hurt on the field (it don’t matter if it’s our team or the other team), bow your heads and “bless their hearts.” Y’all remember that every guy that gets hurt is someone’s son, grandson, boyfriend, brother, etc. And whether you win or lose, you thank the Lord for givin’ you the health to yell loud enough for your favorite team. Amen, y’all.